First  Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all  afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his  shoes  outside  and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We  had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying  bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last  time  for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant  and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery  to see his new son.

He was horrified  at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘Not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body  of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had  ever seen!

‘I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician  commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
‘I have something to show you that you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover  when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over  him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said, ‘pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied,
‘the Smiths bought one and I liked it  so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,  went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths’  and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied:   ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs  with your wife?’

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing  I’m doing
to his business down here.’

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must  confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied,
‘now just rest and let the poison  work.’

Did you know???

98% OF CANADIANS SAY ‘OH SHIT’ BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND
AND THEY SAY, ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.’

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one…a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem(s), document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Ladies, please control yourselves.

Abandonment is now the only option.

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

W hen you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are….that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you   are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE,SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT….I’M GETTING A FAX!!

Babies love Obama!

But Bush…..not so much.

One of these girls is not like the other…

One desperate pedophile.

Is your brain working properly? Take the test.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one color, pink.

However if you stare at the black ‘+‘ in the centre, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black ‘+‘ in the centre of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.

It’s amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don’t disappear. This should be proof enough, we don’t always see what we think we see.

Send to your friends!

Got caught looking!